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Tips on How to Fight Fair

Updated: Feb 1, 2023

True love does not mean that you never argue or disagree. In fact, couples who engage in healthy arguments develop a stronger and better connection.

TRUST is the first of rule of fighting fair.

Fighting fair often involves revealing your vulnerabilities. Despite what many believe, vulnerability is a strength not a weakness. Walls around your feelings separate you from your partner. If you can't be your true self, the potential for miscommunication and misunderstandings increases. But it can be difficult and often scary to open yourself up to your significant other. This is why trust is so important. You must trust your partner to receive and hold your feelings gently and with compassion.

Rules, rules, rules. Make them and keep to them. And create them when you are both at your best and not angry.

Recognize that each of you feel vulnerable, even helpless at times. Arguments where one or both feel out of control, out of synch, unseen, rejected, etc. can bring out the worst.

Why the rules? With a set of pre-determined rules, your arguments won't get out of control, or to the point where you forget what your argument is about.

PAUSE before you speak.

Pause during intervals in the argument. Communicate with your partner about why you need a break— whether it be to think, get control of yourself, and most of all to remember you love the other person.

  1. No name calling. During an argument you and your partner both feel vulnerable

  2. One or both of you can be wrong. And, it doesn't really matter. The objective is to find a middle way that is satisfying enough

  3. Reframe an argument. Remember you love each other even when you feel hurt and angry

  4. Don't resort to the silent treatment. It won't bring you any closer to a resolution

  5. Time outs are essential when things are getting too heated

  6. Leave the room even if it is just for a moment to regain composure

  7. Always explain before you walk away. Say something like "I need a moment".

  8. Never let an argument go and on. Remember the timer. Set it. Use it.

Now Take action. Don't leave the argument without sharing what the next steps are. How will you work towards better communication and understanding? Regular check-ins really help. Remind yourself what you love about your partner and try not to get stuck in the negatives.

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